i've ALWAYS been a little scardy cat when it comes talking to women or girls (highschool) that i've liked in my lifetime. i beat around the bush. razorblade might be able to have his sister recall that, as i had a little crush on her waaaaaaaaaay back in the day, middle school shit. it goes to show that i've been a scardity cat since i've been a very young boy. this is because i've loyally afraid of the word "NO". whether it be from my mother, sister, father or a girl i've had a crush on in the past. i just fucking hate the word no. i hate saying it too. people who know me can attest to that. i hardly answer my phone because of fear of being back into a corner, and i'm good at ignoring questions i'm asked. i dont know what the fuck i do that for. its been the only thing i've wanted to change about myself since being very young. thats also why i've been known to have very "livewire" associates and close contacts. nate is a good example. so is the queen. both of them dont give a flying fuck what you think and they will express their opinions as loud and clear as they deem necessary. so having said all that. three years ago over the america online instant messaging application AIM, i was talking with [absolved](http://absolved.livejournal.com/) at forty-seven-minutes into may 14th. this is when i said. "i'd like to love you but my heart is a sore" that was my version of asking [absolved](http://absolved.livejournal.com/) to be my person. she responded simply with "mirror" and ever since then my life has been good. but it illustrates how scared i am about hearing no. i still recall the adrenaline rush i had when she said that. that feeling happens when something either really good happens or something really bad. in fact the only times i've had those feeling since that day was when i was in court. nothing like knowing that old bastard dressed in black held your fate in his hands. so that's why we call it mirror. or that's why i started calling it mirror and voided the idea of an anniversary. those terms others use in the majority were words i wanted to avoid using, because this is the first time in my life i said i love you to someone and when its all said and done, i was actually telling the truth. she has so much to put up with being me with me. sometimes when i'm in a deep state of thought i can understand why she likes me. once in a while i actually do feel good about myself. i've even looked in the mirror a hanful of times in my life and i even thought that i'm not all that bad looking. i've had people tell me they feel that way too once in a while. whatever the case is, for all the stuff [absolved](http://absolved.livejournal.com/) had to put up with to be with me, its worth it trust me. there might be people who are "better" than myself. there might be people who are "worse" than myself. but like the corny kid rock once said: "you'll never meet a mother fucker quite like me." the truest words ever said.