i could just give up. how it feels when i first lay in bed will keep me going through the darkest of times. i think darkness has only begun to define itself on my life. i am not asking for anything from anyone. i do not deserve that. no way out. part of the reason i have always wanted to see everyone happy is because i would never wish anyone to experience the things that i have. do anything just don't do anything that i have. nobody fucking listens, i'm pardoned as ignorant. there is something wrong. there is something very wrong. i need a new identity. i just want to curl up into a ball and whither away. i'm not worth the cost of living. i dont make mistakes, i am one. if a fairy came to me and asked me what one wish should be granted it would be to have given my mother the courage to have an abortion. the pain last what ??a few weeks?? that's nothing compared to the pain i've caused people over the years. social and personal. from all angles, no matter what angle you look at me from -- i am just a second-rate human being. nothing about me is noteworthy, nothing about me in interesting. i have no skils that distinguish me from the mass majority. the only reason i stick out in a crowd is because of my height. you take that away i might as well be a fucking foundation column. i am absolutely irrelevant to anyone or anything. my tortoise deserves a better owner. my person deserves someone better, someone who can keep their mother fucking head on straight. my mother deserves to have a son whom she can boast about and praise. play that completive fucking bullshit that everyone else is into. my sister deserves someone who she can actually call her 'big brother'. i think my sister is more prone to cause physical harm to someone, compared to me. i would do everything to avoid physical contact with someone else, in regards to violence. i'm not a big brother to anyone. i think the only thing that i have provided my sister with is disappointment. i've fucked her over probably more than anyone. i don't know how many of her old friends i fucked shit up with real good. every single bad habit of my own has rubbed off on her. i'm the sharpie in the wash machine of whites. my father deserves something, ANYTHING aside from me. i think my father has received more complaints about me than anyone. the sad part i am just like him, so we'll go to the end of the limb and start to teeter over the edge. one of the us will catch the other one before we discuss some sort of strategy towards anything. this is my fault as well. i started that puzzle a long time ago. there are a lot of pieces missing. my grandparents. wow... i dont want to start crying. like my great grandfather said a few months before dying: "i'd shoot myself if i was worth the price of a bullet."