work was alright. jessica was there but she was waiting instead of dominating the kitchen. but like most times when a situation like this occurs (a cook waiting, or vise versa) they are dipping into the other territory as if they were just calling the shots from above. telling rich how to cook and whatnot. that shit pisses me off so it left me somewhat curious as to why rich was somewhat suprised that i just assumed the back work and didn't say shit about wanting to cook. i've got a history of ranting about jessicas domination of the kitchen, i'm always telling rich my two cents about how i do things and why i do them the way i do. but i don't jump at the grill the moment i get there. cos a matter of fact, the cooking and all is important to the run of the business, without a doubt but there are a few variables that can ruin the rest of the process even if every other element is ideal. that is the backwork. cos the backwork is basically the details that are summoned together to complete the food we send out to people. might seem like trivial nonsense to some but to me its a big deal. i still can't find a good place to go an apply at that is still in the kitchen, but doesn't exceed my abilities tenfold. i want to be in a kitchen, i don't need to be a chef (although it would be amazing), i just want to be around the preparing of food. its what i like to do. i like everything about it and i love the things that i hate about it. the things i hate about it are what make me love the nature more and the things that i love about the nature of it all make it hate others. i find happiness in putting things together. when i make food at home, i love grocery shopping for the items beforehand. i like getting stuff fresh and off the top of my head and into a plate. i love food. but until hurdles are leaped and the future finally begins to take form its only a matter of time until i let all things that i have done in the past, and all the efforts i have planned for the future materilize themselves into what i once upon a time called the sincere theory. i have lost things along the way that i had really hoped to have been around for the succession of the idea but these things have not made it this far. nouns that should have come along for the ride but forked ways eons ago. verbs and adjectives met these nouns and all our worlds have changed. i'd do anything to change parts of me from the past, but i worry that these changes would cause to and end result me. while there are horrible elements in my life at this point in time, some almost unbearable, i wouldn't do anything about me personally. i love who i am, and what i do. everything can always be better, but for for sake of certainty i am absolutely happy with everything in my life. everything COULD be better, and they COULD be worse. i am content. i have someone who every day amazes me that they can love me back, i have family who better friends. i have associates who emulate friendships. life is good. animals are good. the only things that get me down are the things that could be better, and while at this very moment those seem to overweigh the things currently stable, i am unwilling to refuse seeing that faint, faint like far, far up ahead.