i just replied to a comment [surrealkiller](http://surrealkiller.livejournal.com/) left me that had been sitting in Apple Mail as flagged for pertnear two days. upon hitting send i realised that i truly am a failure in life. when i was in fifth grade i went to thomas jefferson elementary. they had all macs there. the whole class had a computer day and whatnot and a bunch of kids went into the paint programme and changed all the stencils. at the end of class we all went back to our class but the computer teacher asked if i could stay to "help fix the computers" back to normal, undoing the things the class did to the stencils. i know its not so much, but i really have been all about computers my whole life. i got straight A's my entire life. that all ended in 8th grade. i literally set my books down and didn not pick them up ever again. instead of being good at computers, good at schoolwork, i desired being funny, being the bad ass, being the one nobody wanted to be a part of. and i have to say i did it well. i dropped out of highschool four years later. what would have been my senior year in highschool, in a school where you needed 28 credits to graduate (block scheduling, compared to 40+ in the falls). i had 3. **THREE!** \- intro to business applications (basically an M$ office class) - computer programming - computer programming II i swear to god. what i hate more than children sometimes is my past. i would do anything, anything, anything, anything to go back. i remember being pushed around the halls and shit when i was at TJ because i was always **always always picked on**. i swear its cos i was tall (i was nearly 5-6 inches on everyone the entire time i was in school, until i went to MFHS for three seconds). i gave all that up, getting called a _faggot_, _nerd_, whatever. i gave that all up to say **FUCK YOU** back. i never got physical with anyone in school i dont think, i never got in trouble for it, but i surely did cut people down. badly. sometimes i feel when i'm at target, or anywhere in menomonee falls that one of tupac shakurs lyrics will come to life for me: "i never get to lay back cos i always got to worry about the payback some punk that i roughed up way back coming back after all these years **rat-a-tat-tat**, thats just the way it is" when its all said and done, i suppose all that is part of who i am today. perhaps i would have stayed a good student got a scholarship and taken out of highschool early and shipped off to an ivy league school. it would have been possible. i had perfect grades all my life, and nearly perfect attendance up until 8th grade. but maybe i would have got a job in atlanta, or texas. i would never have met Krystal.