i'm not calling out for help, but i am at such a low point in my life. i've contemplated suicide more than a few times this week but cannot bare thinking of what would happen to some peoples faces. i know everyone thinks of killing themselves every now and then, but i wonder how many people consider the specifics. **i am not calling out for help.** i can't stop crying lately. i have to run off into the corner like a little bitch and cry to myself when i'm at work. i'm not sure what it is lately. even pills didn't even perk me up. i suppose its just the avalanche of my avoidant nature that is all coming down to tumble down and take its toll on me now. it all so much at once and i know the worse is yet to come. i would do anything to be someone else. i'd have sex with another man without a second thought if i were promised someone elses life once they had an orgasm. i would. but i can't. i can't because its not probable but moreso i cannot because i coudln't let go of the _warmth_. its a shame too cos i really had the world figured out on my own. the warmth is what you get when you wake up in the morning and you smoke a cigarette outside in the sun, happy to be there. the warmth is the feeling you get when your walking into a bookstore and you walk in with your head tucked low but some random male makes eye contact with you and exchanges a nod with you. the warmth is a feeling you get when your driving with the wind blowing in your hair. one cannot experience these feelings of warmth unless they have a source of it all. a source from where this warmth comes from. the source that provides you with reason and explaination to why things make you feel the way you do. i believe that everyone is born with that source of warmth within themselves. i really don't like kids or the thought of having to be one, but the warmth is that goofy smile you see on a childs face when they are being held by their Mothers. their Mother is the source of their warmth. i believe this is how it is for everybody. when your born, the source of your 'warmth' is within your parents. when you grow up your warmth is eventually drawn to deep within your own person and far (sometimes too far) from your parents. this is usually right before you take hate too far as well. you can put your penis into all kinds of different holes from all kinds of different angles all you want, but it doesn't really mean anything until your mind body and soul all have a congressional hearing and declare it this official. this is where you make the big choice. you have lived your life with your source of warmth buried deep within yourself. you've found great fun in doing the things you do and you have all justified it to yourself deep in the back of your head because, FUCK why not who do you have to answer to? if its fun do it, there is no consequence or tomorrow. nothing. fun and absolutely exhilitrating times indeed. did someone have more fun? you will die wondering. or will you? the choice. quite possibly the reason i didn't say the hell with it and do a whoops on the road and swurve off and hit a tree or something is quite possibly because of that warmth. guaranteed @ 75-80 miles per hour, hitting anything will certainly cause death (and even moreso if you took the initiative to provoke your airbags beforehand!) i can't do it, no matter how much i would like to. that source of warmth, by choice is not in my control. myself like few others who say they love someone mean it. forty-three minutes after midnight on may fourteenth i offered the utmost sacred possession, the source of my light to someone very special. i was blessed with the response that they were willing to offer their utmost sacred possession as well. together, two fighting souls with tireless spirits gave it their all to merge the two sources. i can speak first-hand that is was one hell of a fucking ride and there are still wounds that could just break open at any moment, but if your standing back and looking at the big picture -- the system is complete. once i offered that part of myself to unite as one with another blessed soul, i also sacrificed something as well. the 'c' word. NO! not that one. Communication. the transportation of data to the source is the interpreted and sworn back as data. if for whatever reason something gets screwed up with this process, your essentially fucked. once that communication link between you and the source stop, all other systems fail. they work to an extent but that's only because they've been beaten into a disgusting routine that its become naturally. (this is usually where divorce comes into play, if they've gotten in that deep) you can't run a seamless system these days without communication. sounds old i know, but with this bullshit going on today with tomorrows news already being yesterdays fad i find it incredibly essential to take a step back and embrace what is really all here. and i suppose that's why i guess i can't stop crying. i'm not holding up my end of the deal. i'm falling off the mountains top and velocity is really picking up.