Enjoyment of the early morning hours cannot be described in words.  It doesn't seem to matter what angle I get them from - as long as I experience them.  It really does seem to upset Cara that I enjoy staying up as late as I do.  The getting up at 345-445 time was nice, but I really do not enjoy the early crash towards the end of my shift at work.  That shit really bothers me when I'm fatigued at work.  Thursday morning I wasn't awake until almost 9.  There was somewhat of a heated discussion between Cara and myself.  She was feeling as though I haven't been supportive enough during her troubling times with loosing her Grandmother. I had every intention in the world to help her during her process more, but I seemed to have fallen into the way I deal with those types of situations, and merely disappear.  I found myself reliving the moments when my Grandparents passed.  I got lots of sadness that flooded my gates, because the reality is I never really dealt with the loss of my Grandfather, and too this day cannot deal with many things related to my Grandmother.  And so, there I was, shut down and closed up - not doing much of anything. We have obviously talked a little bit since then, but not enough to have gotten the situation dealt with.  I would like nothing more than to go with her for the funeral, but I wouldn't be able to get off of work for one, and I don't really thing this would be a way for her family to meet me.  Especially due to the fact that I don't have any sort of proper clothing in order to meet such honorable guest that make up Cara's family.  Family is family, and to _**a lot**_ of the population first impressions are everything. Work?  I would say that I don't want to talk about work but the reality is, there was a work meeting tonight that made it very clear that either Heather doesn't want me to work for her any longer, or she doesn't want anyone who works the evening dinner service to work there aside from Dave and Cole.  I'm going to have to perhaps take a few days and try and figure that all out.  There was a lot of notes I took, but I haven't scanned them into Evernote or anything like that.  I just am here wondering why the fuck I even waste my time going to work there any longer.  It's been made very obvious that Heather doesn't want something as low-rent as myself working there for her high-end restaurant.  I do not know what to make for a special.  I do not know how to make a proper soup off the top of my head.  I do not know everything on the breakfast, lunch and dinner menu by memory.  I simply do not.  Not having a vehicle or a proper drivers license has also been made clear a detriment to my availability. It just made the whole week sort of fucking suck for me. Try and be positive, yeah sure, 10-4 I'm on it.  Every negative thing I could possibly think about myself, I have this week.  I've taken those thoughts and ran them over and over again time and time again and reassured myself that there is no fucking possible way I really even make sense in this world. **FUCK**