Yesterday proved to be as toxic as I feared it would be.  It was amazing. I could feel the transformation happening as I was lacing up my steel-toes.  I could feel my face hardening and my those frown lines that are masked by my goatee show their prominence.  I sent Danielle a toxic ass message in response to her message about the rain scheduled for Friday. “Ok no big deal, I appreciate the time we spend together, but it’s unecessary to come up with a backup plan or spend too much time trying to figure something out. I’m not all that exciting or have anything that draws me apart from the person standing next to me. I don’t know what I’m even trying to say, but suffice it to say I’m not worth much mental energy.” Work was about as toxic as it can get. Jon pretty much just was Jon about everything, so I was Level 12 from the gate.  Thing 1 couldn’t work today cos he had more important stuff going on.  I already was walking in the door knowing what my Thursday was looking like because Thing 2 told me on Monday he wasn’t coming in on Thursday because 'fuck why not!? 'There are no repercussions for anything at Meijer.  They compensate by fucking people like me over. The T&Ps Jon cut were gone before 2.  I kept my head down all day and just cut.  I was about as toxic as it could be.  I was on my spirituality shit the way I was like Moses people splitting like the sea when I walk in their direction.  It was all too much.  Look at Doug in his Stand-In Store Direction button-up shirt.  I was at work until just after 23:30. I punched out at 8.  Jon has to stand in the cutting room and cut top sirloin. There is enough T&Ps to last until noon when I get in, and the same goes for grind.  Those faggots in the morning don’t cut pork, so pork is my baby so that’s good too. Before I left, I left my notice on Doug’s desk.  I do not know what the future holds, but something has to fucking change. _But one thing I have to touch on, Danielle — call this the final chapter._ I was still balls-deep into the whole hippie nonsense known as the Law of Attraction, and I don’t give a fuck of Conor McGregor is convinced pretending he was a superstar when he was a kid worked or not but when Danielle appeared in my life at first I thought the universe really had done me a solid. When I found out she had a boyfriend, I spent a very long time criminalizing myself for how I seem to be attracted to unobtainable people.  Then I came upon the god-awful discovery that I was so engulfed in my self that I had gotten so presumptuous to assume that she even would even harbor feelings for me in the first place.  So now when suddenly Danielle started appearing and saying beautiful things to me on her own accord what seems like the last couple of months now I feel like it’s rekindling all the unfathomable amount of disdain I have for myself.   I learned when I got divorced that I am not a good person, let alone a good husband.  When I dated Cara after I got divorced I learned that I am a terrible person, let alone a good boyfriend.  When I, whatever it was I did with Jessica, I learned that I am not a good friend and that I too casually discuss things that sincerely should be reserved for people who are exclusive to one another.  I’m so deep it’s toxic to normality and should be restrained at every possible cost.  And finally when I dated Kristin if you could even call it that, I learned that I’m a toxic person, and I’m a good friend in that I can be taken down off the shelf and played with for a pre-determined amount of time and then put back until I’m needed again.  Short bursts.  Quick little one-offs.  Nothing too long. Danielle and I share threads so familiar that if placed on top of one another it would seem like it might be the makes for a solid foundation.  I’m red alert status the way I have somehow formed feelings for her that far-beyond reach those of married men I know in regards to the women they fuck and make children with.  The reality is, however, that our common threads are almost all afflictions and dark thoughts that have manifested themselves into personality traits.  This over a long enough timeline can either be the most incredibly beautiful construct of human design or an incredibly destructive one.  With what I know of my afflictions and the baggage that it entails, I know what it can result in if it spills out onto the floor.  It’s for the interest of Danielle’s Bigger Picture that we start to distance ourselves slowly but surely.  Given enough time, she might end up worse off than she thinks she is right now. I’m a cancerous tumor, and this is the laser telling you to fuck off.