Nothing to do other than jump right into it amirite? Not sure if I deleted the "Dear Summer" post or not but that was one of those situations where I wasn't really being totally clear with myself or this journal about what was going on at the time. It was indeed true that I was in a fairly good place at the time, but it was also a subtle peek under-the-hood as to how dark things were also for me at that time. ### Real Quick: I am Certified! There has been one miraculous thing to have happened to me since I posted the "Fine Line Between Order and Chaos" and the "Dear Summer" post and that has been my certification to be a meat cutter. That day with Dennis in the room was one of the best working days of my life and it was great to hear that he has such good things to say about me. But it was indeed met with what was nothing short of a lack-of-celebration as it was straight from "you're just an apprentice" to throwing William under the bus at every opportunity we have. And why not!? I'm a proper meat cutter now! Speaking technically I'm the only one who has been certified by the company so their opinions are only just that to me in many regards. I've bled my heart and soul into my Brothers and the idea of the Brotherhood itself for quite some time so it was nice to finally have gotten the nod from the big guy himself. ### on being in love with a married woman What started out innocently enough as a friendship, quickly escalated between Stacie and I. I can't say that I'm all that surprised, this sort of scenario seems to follow me around, or I seem to attract it like nothing else in this world, but the reality the situation has become almost out of control. We're both living double lives as I type these words and her version of that double-life is a metric shit tonne more difficult to deal with than my own. All I have to do is keep my emotions in check in public, but she has an entire whole other life that she has to maintain and also and at the same time be full encompassed in a love she is quickly falling into for me. It is all one big knotted mess and I'm not quite sure what to do about it. She's deep on levels I've never seen before with people in the past, that being of both sexes. I've known some pretty deep individuals over the course of my small existence on this fine earth and none have come quite as close as her when it comes to how see seems to rile me up all the strangest of places. But of what end does this love-quarrel exists without true pain for both of us? It is to my shock and horror that I think that it will not end the way either of us seem to think it may. Let's be honest with ourselves here for a moment and realize that it was Jessica's children that blew the whistle on her and what ultimately brought that whole empire to a crash. I know that I like to say that I was blindly unaware of Jessica's Whatever-The-Fuck but I knew in my subconscious and in the deepest recesses of my mind what the score was, and I was just blindly in love with her to the point that I just didn't seem to care enough to investigate it further. I was in love with her to the point that I didn't want to put her in a situation where I wanted her to have to lie to me in order to be honest. For it was this morning that she made her way into the downtown area of Milwaukee to acquire tickets to a play for her in-laws Christmas gift (at least I believe that is what it was for) and last night when we were talking she made \[at first\] joking suggestions about me going with her to spend the morning in the city. All I could think about was some random coworker of her husband who might have gotten rerouted by way of a traffic jam or lost time or whatever the case might be and for whatever unbeknownst reason saw us in the light and reported her activities to her better half. When I brought it up this morning it was met with responses of how I'd have been cited as friend from the Old Falls or hell even going as far as saying I am from Meijer. I really do feel like the older person in the situation here because I'm wondering if I was this careless when I had given up on my own marriage when I was married to Krystal and I fancied my time spent with Cara much moreso than I did with my own Wife. How I would give her my entire being for the time we were together and for the times we were apart I replaced those in-person interactions with every sort of digital representation of me being there with her all-day-everyday. And when I reflect back on what it is precisely I have been up to right now I feel like a total and undeserving piece of garbage. How I'm reading books about being a better person, and being honest with myself and others and how in the same breathe I'm sending very risque texts to Stacie about the things I want to do to her body and she is telling me the exact same things back. I'm starting to wonder if this has already gone too far and there is no change for making things right for her and her marriage, which sincerely was the original goal when I first met her but it became clear to me very early on that was she already in the mindset of "being over" her marriage but had anchor points in her children that she had convinced herself was worth whatever pain and agony that was being married to her husband brought along with it. Her current picture of herself on Facebook is her in a red shirt, a cropped photo, where she had removed her child from. When she shared the original photo, I was taken aback at how dead inside she truly looked in the photograph. Is she blind that she cannot see the complex layers of unhappiness that sit on top of her emotionless face? Am I the only one who can see this!? I can't be, I must not be. She is surrounded by people who simply do not give a fuck and also have long given up on her or whom all subscribe to seriously fucked up "morals" that would suggest these problems are an internal one that should be sorted out at home or by oneself and without the interactions of the outside world. A sad, lonely place that looks a lot like how the 9 of Swords or 5 of Cups makes you feel when you look at it. Our physical desire for one another has also reached alarming levels. While I was still under the roof of CHP Headquarters, Stacie had only stopped over one time and that was when we went for a walk around the block after she had parked on the frontage road by Menomonee Park. I hugged her that night, but no differently than I would have hugged a coworker, but that is without question what started the whole physical "fall-down-the-stairs", shall we call it. But I do suppose in that regard we do deserve some credit, for even if it minute. For the rate of which things were going it was pretty impressive the amount of time we both resisted to have gone any further. It was until the fallout with my Father had happened and after I was settled in with Grandma and Nicole that things had progressed beyond that simple hug that one night. I could probably pinpoint it if I gave enough effort into it on Daylio. I met her at the Cafe on her birthday before heading to work and it all started to really pick up speed from there. One night she randomly appeared at the Beer Garden and then it started to become excuses to walk the trail together at night. Then one night when we were in the embrace of one another our innermost desires got the best of us, but in hindsight it was definitely more me than her, despite where her head may have been at, at the time. We kissed and it was a moment that I will never forget. We were at our best and worst at the exact same time and it was quite a magical moment indeed. We didn't know anything else in the world during those moments other than making sure the other one felt safe and comfortable. What is unique here is that she was very deeply concerned about my mental state just as much as I was hers, which is either totally unique in and of it's own right or for the first time in my life I've actually allowed for such things to take place. Whatever the case may be the moments in which we are most in tune with one another are downright captivating moments like those particular moments of songs that bring you to a standstill, or those rare few songs that do that for the whole time they are playing. We have shared moments with each other that we will both hold onto for the rest of our lives. Should that not be enough? I'm not sure what the future holds, but I'm almost certain again that it wont "end" the way either of us think it will. It could be any number of things. I just find it difficult as of late to maintain this idea of what I thought I was and who I am actually when I'm walking around in the world. It's confusing to me sometimes which version of me I'm supposed to be, and so when she was asking me earlier today about being together in public where a month ago when we would meet up in the darkest of night she demanded to not be near any roads or caught under any street lights. How hesitant she was when I mentioned her coming with me to get my tattoo in October because it was in Menomonee Falls and how now seemingly none of that matters one bit. It's all one big complicated mess and it's of my own doing and now here it is and I don't know what to do with it. I've led this fine women down a path of self-descruction or at least that is how it very much feels right now. I'm besides myself when I think about what it is she has to go through each and every day. Think about the times shes done something with me physically and then had to go home and do it again! I struggle to imagine the fucking emotional trauma that is attached to things like that. The way she has to play all these roles all throughout the day, and all the while deeply concerned about me as a person. This is all of the more reasons I've found it easy to keep myself far-away-removed from all forms of relationships. I saw the same thing happening with Kristin and the same thing happened with Jessica despite how immaturely that ended in it's own right. I don't know what it is that got me so sidelined to believe I could have been any help to this fine women. It's painful to think about the social and moral sins I have committed on behalf of my own self-righteous bullshit. There just seemed to be something inside of her that I cannot quite put my finger on. There has to be. There must be. She single-handedly derailed how I felt about Danielle all but by a snap of her fingers. Her simple existence in my life was enough for me to step back and see visual holes in the potential that was a relationship with Danielle and she helped me see those holes and I'm sure somewhere deeply hidden inside of that we both put holes there that were not even there before we started scrutinizing the situation. The most disappointing thing about this for me is not just how much pain she is going to to have to ultimately go through, but the fact that this is still a problem that I have. I'm deeply attracted to trouble, or I see problems just under the surface and I pull them up and try to make them try and start walking on their own before they are even ready to get out of the water. I was just upstairs with Nicole and when I came back down I'm met with text messages from Jim asking me if I'm going to the Beer Garden and messages from Stacie saying that she would be there. Things are swirling out of control in whirlwind of emotion. I'm not sure I know what it takes to calm the intensity of the situation. Again, this is a situation I do not know I've been in before, at least in regards to its depth. She has said things about me that I would say to a person and shakes me down to my core and I feel that it's played into my blindness of the situation of what is truly going on. Think of how many times she has reminded you that she is conscious in her knowing that she is going to put your heart through the shredder and there will be nothing left of your soul afterward. Something to think about I do suppose tonight while you're doing inventory. But where will any of it truly lead? That is what you need to ask yourself in this coming days and weeks. Your phone is blowing the fuck up as you type these words and I'm certain they are all from her. Is this why you cannot focus on anything? Is this why you cannot find a center on your journey when it comes to reading the tarot? Is this why you can't seemingly focus on anything at all? Do you always have to be at the ready? Do you make this your reality voluntarily? These are all valid ideas to consider. Well she just came and went and I think it was the first time we had a really shitty situation on our hands. I wasn't able to hold my "cold as ice" composure about not being a valid part of her life but she walked off on me and denied my hand when I reached out to her. It was painful to watch her walk away and I'm not sure or not but that might be the last time we have a sort of interaction like that for quite a while. It is really hard to imagine, because I know deep down inside if there is an idea of soulmates that her and I could very well fit those conditions but this just has to got us both going through all the motions almost everyday as of late. She seems really stuck on something changing within me the days following our most intimate encounter with one another. I'm probably guilty of that, but I can't quite clarify what exactly it is that has me thrown off other that just feeling like I have something I cannot share my love with the world to. Most people don't feel that need and many of them do not and here I am just wanting to have a little something to show the world and coming up short. You can even see me swinging through the motions in this very post here. She has disabled her "active status" thing on Facebook so I have just motioned to do the same. This has really fallen to childish levels in a hurry. She told me that I am as complicated as "he is" and that she can't be dealing with two relationships that are the same. Let me repeat that; she told me that I am as complicated as "he is" and that she can't be dealing with two relationships that are the same. That has to be it for now. It is inventory tonight its either going to be a restful day tomorrow or one full of all-out drama. Which will it be?