Seven minutes after eleven in the evening and it's storming outside in a very symbolic way. I was alone at work all day, and that was also very symbolic. I've had to change my notification settings on Messenger, so I don't get notifications at all. It's painful as fuck, but it has to be done. This is all such shit, and I hated every fucking minute of today. I channeled all my energy into cutting pork, and when I was away from the bench from too long, I could feel my Shadow trying to kill whatever light remains inside of me at this time and paint that shit black as night. I should probably take Messenger off of my phone and be done with it, but I think I'll wait until after Redneck has been through town with Haley, which is a very long time away in regards to how slow time is moving right now. Its like molasses that has tipped over in the fridge, the shit is not moving. I'm staring at my Tarot books like what the in the actual fuck. I'm shuffling my Tarot cards like what in the actual fuck. I am so unbelievably thankful that I'm here with Nicole and in this house otherwise I would undoubtedly find myself in a very dark place right now. I'm going to read the messages she sent to me today because it is after eleven o'clock and that is when she said she would be able to talk if we did talk. I just want to read her messages and I hope to fuck I don't say anything back, at least until morning. She said that she loved me again. I sent her back a GIF of thunder, one that looks like how outside and how my soul feels. I hope she has a good night on Day 0. She said I have some serious willpower. She seems somewhat dismayed I reneged on my days off in October. Fifty-seven days from today would be the 8th of November and how would be fair for either of us both that far and that soon into our recovery to reserve time to spend together overnight? I can't see how that would be of any good for either of us. Even if we obligated ourselves to have no intimacy during that time, the elephant in the room would definitely be there because we have been building our imaginations up about this for a very long time, or at least what seems like a long time for both of us. What a tragedy really, because I'm not one to get all huffy-puffy about sexual intercourse but by the Old Gods and the New the energies that exist between us is almost a guaranteed promise-land of passionate love. We've got each others numbers in a very real and devastating way. She LOL'ed me this morning when I made a joke about reactivating my dating site profiles. "LOL You should" or something along those lines. I can't possibly imagine trying to do this all over again with someone else. Trying to convince myself it's okay to let someone inside of the walls and then convince myself that it is okay to fall in love and that is after I find someone who I feel might even vaguely compare to the one I really am in love with. That is the hardest part of all, trying to not analyze the absolute fuck out of someone who might very well be good for me, but I'm scrutinizing them too hard because I only want to see Stacie's eyes when I look someone in that way. Those magnificent, captivating eyes of hers. Chopping it up, trying to muster the willpower for what will be the ultimate test, a full-day of the "new order". How convenient, it's not only Friday a day I already fucking didn't like to begin with, but it's Friday the 13th and Saturday is a Full Moon. The Universe has some ugly shit in store for me, and the signs are absolutely everywhere. The Karma Train is coming back around the mountain, and it's full-steam ahead!