Tuesday night there was fallout happening in Brookfield. Cursing, swearing, all in front of children. Scenes I was not present for but have been in the room for from more than one angle. When it was all hitting the fan I thought this was going the start of something very ground-breaking and revolutionary but it ended up just being something similar to a twenty-four hour flu. She stayed here late into the evening and we also shared some of our most intimate experiences with one another. That is to say we were naked for one another on that night. I felt so guilty almost the entire time. She was acting very irrationally and even though we have this level of dialogue with us that is unmatched with anyone I've cared to spend my time with in that way in the past, we address things verbally almost immediately after the fact. She made it clear she had no intentions of "going there" with is pleasant to hear because of any of the nights the universe had given to us, for it was this night that things like that ought **not** to be happening. What is strange is she stayed in her car in her own parents driveway after me begging her over and over again to stay. She went back home at half past six and they had another round of fallout except I think all the harshness had been dispensed by way of his grace and so it was him all in his feelings instead. Crying and in a pile of own hot mess. He wrote her a confessional letter about his side of things but she didn't want to read it so I think he took it with him to work. We're openly confessing our love for one another and its starting to hurt a little bit. I can't say in all honesty that if I did start looking for genuine what shall we say "public love affair" that other people are allowed to see if she will be like totally blowing me off then or not. She often says things about how she hopes one day to get the message that "I have found the one" but I'm not sure if that is how it will actually play out or not. I feel like it might get real cold and "K… I'll leave you be to your happiness with your new life". So what shall I do just hang out in limbo then? Keep my head down and keep cutting?! Parts of me think that is all I am destined to be for someone, despite all the kind words that she says that suggest otherwise. But indeed major parts of my personality are genuinely missing and it's only when she's hanging out here outside the glow of the streetlights and when all the lights are out that I'm able to be my fullest me and most expressive version of myself. And so all that text that I typed up there above this text that I am typing now was before work. It is now after work and I just got done with a near two hour sort of haggling with Stacie about pretty much nothing. Perfectly summed up by here "Fuck whatever" message at the end because that is all is pretty much amounted to. She keeps searching for affirmations that I'm still into here on the the days before the weekend and so magically having orders on Fridays when I'm at work. I'm not fucking retarded enough to thin that it's not possible but it's pretty fucking convenient the way she magically seems to pick up on my "letting go" vibes on Friday before leaving for work and magically appearing in the store. I'll be back to my "normal William self" on Monday when I'm expected to be there, but go be whatever it is you have to be for your husband at least for the weekend. You have the entire week with me, nearly every waking moment except for those moments I'm at work does she not have my entire attention. This is everything fucking week and I'm really getting sick of it. She keeps asking me if I want things to continue and I tell her why do you ask me right now!? It's all too much, it's Friday night why are you even talking to me, did your husband fall asleep early or something I'm super confused. I tell people so very early on, I, William Daniel Parker III am a toy, when you are done playing with me put me back on the shelf and plug me into my charger so I'm ready to go the next time you're ready to play with me. Don't sneak into the back room when the lights are off and play with me on the shelf that is not friendly and gets the toy thinking that he is supposed to be something more than a toy. Then the toy will turn into Buzz Lightyear and we do not want that.