Not sure I've been in this dark of a place before or if it's because of how aware of my actions I am that I am finding this time to be the most difficult period of my entire life. There is something wrong with me down to the very fundamental core of how I operate as a person. I have made it my life's work to find interesting and new ways to stick myself in situations that are literally impossible to make sense of and like a magician, I'm able to find temporary bliss, happiness in solace in this impossible place. But then suddenly my emotions get the better half of me and I start to deepen my emotions about whatever it is that finds me in the impossible situation. The situation I'm speaking of specifically here is my crushing feelings of love for a woman who cannot love me back, despite telling me the exact words "I love you". My soul has been having a game played on its platform for the majority of this year and suddenly it became aware to me that it cannot continue the way it was. She honestly expected me to stand on the sidelines for 17 years and hope to God that at that time she was going to have the courage and strength to leave her _abusive_, _**rapist**_ husband. I've vanished myself from all aspects of the internet in the best way I knew how and it stirred up quite a bit of commotion, because police showed up at my ex-wife's house to do a "wellness check" on me and then they showed up here shouting up the stairs sounding just like my cousin Jason. I shooed them away "I'm fine, off you go" and they did just that. I threw myself into a bottle of rye whiskey because that is how I best deal with my problems when they bubble up to the surface and make me want to violent things to myself mentally and physically. I was taken back by so many of the things that Stacie was saying to me last night. She really is not into me the same way I am and her words are all hollow. She told me things as I love you with every fiber of my being, every breathe she takes and then made some goofy reference to the moonlight. There is no other option than to subject myself to a time of total darkness and retreating into the social shadows, much in the same way Marilyn Manson did after the Columbine shootings. I need to retract into the shadows and focus more of my time and energy on making myself able to find a place where I can forgive Stacie and move on with some sort of sense of stability. But this, Jesus Christ William how many times are you going to give love another try before you come to the realization that you are broken beyond repair. > I don't attract what I want, I attract what I am. Dead as the bees buzzing inside my head.