Not going to bullshit about this right now, but I'm seriously worried about my second vacation coming up. I'm not sure how I'm going to do with that much time alone. It will be nice to spend time with Red and Haley, and my God I hope we are blessed with decent weather for that. It's not like he's up here all the time. The reality is however my numbness is starting to become my new normal and I feel my emotions trying to punch holes the walls I have started to build around my True Self. At work on Saturday, Shawn hit me with some very tough love. Started by saying **LOOK** and then proceeded to tell me that she has witnessed me do this multiple times now, find myself enamored with someone who simply cannot be, but she said I do that because I myself am afraid of commitment to someone. Really took me back. Do you think that really is the case? It often feels like that is all I am searching for but to have her say that so "matter of fact" (shoutout Dylan) the way she did, really made me think about how maybe I'm not that much different from Arthur from Joker. Maybe I am delusional, maybe all the things I am seeing around me are not really happening. Maybe I have been _that high_ this whole time? But back to those emotions that want to punch through. It has been safe to say that I've held a lot of internal animosity towards Stacie for the last seven days. Have even borderline cruel thoughts about her and what she has done. But over the last 48 hours those feelings have started to morph into almost something completely the opposite. I'm starting to wondering just how deep the _cruel thoughts she is having about me, and how much unbelievable animosity she must have towards me for what I have done to her and her life._ I've been looking over my shoulder for the last forty-eight hours as well, hoping to God that I just see her, but when I see someone with a green shirt, or with curly blonde hair, I freeze up and tense myself tight like a cold rubber band. I'm still very much a fucking mess about everything. Nicole was telling me earlier about the details about Zach and Sarah and all that fallout that is just starting to take place. She talked about one time Zach being as work and pulling out his phone and showing a picture of Sarah to a coworker talking about "I would divorce my Wife for this woman in an instant." That very thing happened and now they are on the polar opposite end of that spectrum right now and I'm not sure he would do it all over again. But when she said that to me about Zach, I knew in that moment that is precisely how I feel about Stacie. She could call me right now and say hey lets go to the airport and leave for London right now. I'm off in the air and across the pond just like that. I've been taking in so much smoke that I can barely hold a thought and that is precisely where I need to be until further notice. Just focus on work and trying not to loose my shit completely. There is so much pent-up rage and anger within me right now that I'm truly afraid of what happens when it starts bleeding out. How much can I be expected to withstand before I just fallback into my oldways and become that same old someone that we all used to know. How fucking incredibly shitty it was for my ex-wife to get that multiple-year itch finally scratched when she had the law show up at her place talking about doing a "wellness check" on me. What a bunch of a shit. I hooked up my _PlayStation_ and my _Xbox_ because it's about as intoxicating as cocaine or drinking excessively but still allows me to be fully-functional at work the next day. I'm really in a fucking whirlwind of massive pain and I need to do whatever the fuck it is that is possible that can keep me from examining it at all. I fear a long enough glance internally would be enough to sent the madness into overdrive. With this many days off ahead of me, it would be a good idea to just find myself completely immersed and intoxicated into things that have no … oh my God, Shawn is right isn't she?