Not trying to undermine the visit of Red and Haley because when I'm dying it will be one of the surest hightlights of my life having met them like that. We had a good time. But it was overshadowed the entire time (for me of course) of just how fucking behind in all things of life I really am. I'm almost forty years old, did you read correctly!? You still don't drive and you're flicker of a meaningful life is just holding on by a thread. Haley despite being so young could see right though my facade of a persona, proof I suppose that we seek out our own safety nets and personal bubbles of space the older we get - surrounding ourselves only with people will not put us in check. That is to say, the broken people like myself, not good hard-working Americans like Normal People Do. Things are so weird with Stacie. We have kissed since we have started talking again. She is so amazing but we are really two people that really hate ourselves so much it is almost hard to think about. I've been playing RDO to avoid having to think about being me. It's working so far, RDO is a lot of fun.