You know there was this fine specimen of a human being once back in the day I believe his name was Jeff. If he name was not Jeff his name was definitely something that started with a "J" and I'm unsure as to why I remember that so much but at the same I've always been curious why this guy has stuck out to me in the back of my mind since I knew him. I knew him back around the year 2000 when I was working at **Ponderosa** and he was one of the managers. I used to be so put on by the way this guy would meticulously do this job at work. People would have considered my job and his shit jobs but that guy was out there hammering meticulously hard each and every night. He had a very sort of particular method to his madness and preferred to do things a certain way. I'm this is exactly how my coworkers describe me. Now again I don't know why the fuck this guy sticks out in the back of my mind but when I try to explain to people the "good guy vibe" I will sometimes get from meeting a complete stranger, well I had it fucking strong for this guy, something fierce. I never really told him this or anything because it wasn't even really that big of a deal but the more I think about I can't help but notice this mother fucking internal struggle of mind that just keeps bubbling to the surface in different forms and fashions whenever I try to express myself to another human being. It's so incredibly fucked that it makes no fucking sense. "Go on then it will be okay!" Fucking shit man. I looked up to Jeff because he was sort of a role model that I looked up to. I know this sounds like I'm passing the blame unto others and as far as that goes it's fucking whatever. My wrist is on fire from a day of meat cutting but all these things are starting to make sense. I'm really fucked man. I wonder how old my Father was when he decided he was fucked too because I'm just about to the point where I have given up on myself. All these fucking things that don't make sense sure do when you look at them with the right set of eyes. But when you come from a family that only plays in the shadows then you will only have shadowy things happen to you. I never had that Father figure growing up and I'm happy to admit that my Father didn't have the necessary tools to "get the job done" like men where "supposed to do" back in "those days" but he legitimately didn't. So many things in this past went unsaid and speaking from experience leaving the unsaid unsaid only brings on constant and perpetual internal conflicts. Something like the infinity loop but a lot uglier somehow but definitely a fucking repeating cycle. Grandma Parker hammering the fucking Bible into his ass because of her past undisclosed situations and scenarios that left her life view fucked. The _theory having legs_ gives a lot of promotion to the hard truth that a lot of us on a scientific-level should have never been brought into this world in the first place. A few strategic abortions should have been highly considered many generations back. Not to mention the social side effects of that shit being true and also having to do laundry and cook and eat dinner with your family with a hush smile on your face. Fuck almost everything. And you often things about these things when you think of that person visually but it's easy to forget they were often the ages or close to ones I've already encountered. A golden ratio that somehow does not grow any larger. _Just a small one._ But nonetheless in twenty seven days my daughter will be two years old and she has no fucking idea who I am. Am I okay with that because I never really knew my Dad and _"Look I'm Normal!"_ The look of shock on my cousin Jason's face when I told him I've only seen Kendra the few times I have - fucking nightmare. But either way, I think it's important that people have a Father in their life.